Awesome People: The woman who cried "Fuck"

Sometimes, I love people. Like, really, really love them. There are so many different things a person can do to make my day it almost borders on ridiculous. Yes, there are the occasional genuine acts of kindness that make my heart grow three sizes and sure, the intact innocence of a child who has yet to be unapologetically beaten down by the world can make me all bubbly. But those saccharine examples are as boring. It’s when the more random and unique side of society rears its ugly head that one must take that moment of lemon-ness and squeeze the shit out of it, transforming what could’ve been an uncomfortable occurrence into delicious human lemonade. The real-life examples you'll find in this series serve as undeniable evidence as to why some folks in the world are simply Awesome People.
 
I sit at a desk all day. Totally unique, I know. However, my legs are approximately the length of an adult anaconda making the experience of having them sardine-canned for hours on end quite uncomfortable. Because of this, I usually take the opportunity of my lunch break to free my lower limbs from their prison, strolling through downtown Minneapolis. Usually these are benign experiences. But every so often, the gods of awesome people shine their blessings upon me and deliver unto this world a break from the norm.

Enter impossibly and hilariously angry woman.

11:30 rolled around and it was time to stretch the old tree trunks. I exited my building, threw on some tunes and started my walk to, you know, wherever. Upon reaching the intersection, however, something caught my eye. A woman, flailing her arms wildly, was crossing the street to my left. Now, because I regularly listen to my iPod at a volume that rivals a jet engine, I couldn’t quite hear what she was saying but I definitely could tell that it wasn’t good-hearted in nature. She continued to cross the street, her arms still flailing about like they were being torn from her body by some, oh I don’t know, chimpanzee.

* collective gasp *

What? Too soon?

Anyway, I removed my ear buds just as she whipped around and banshee screamed something lovely.

“Fuck you!”

My immediate reaction? I laughed. I’m not sure what that says about me as a person. I stood there in semi-shock with a confused look on my face as the woman continued to go crazy. Bat. Shit. Crazy.
 
“Fuck you!”
* arm flail *
“You’re nothing but a bitch!”
* arm flail *
“Just leave me the fuck alone!”
* arm flail *

            I looked at her for a moment and then turned around, fully expecting to see another woman frothing at the mouth and spewing forth a no-doubt equally as intelligent rebuttal but nope. Not a single person. There was not a single soul within 100 feet of Ms. Wacky Waving Arms and me. This made me form four hypotheses.

Hypothesis Number One

This woman was actually screaming at me. To be fair, I did make the horrible mistake of encroaching on her life in a totally innocent bystander kind of way. I mean really, what kind of douche has the nerve to walk outside in a heavily populated metropolitan area? The audacity of it all!

Likelihood of Being Correct- 1 out of 5

No, this one doesn’t make much sense at all. I haven’t been around this planet long enough to form any arch-enemies so this woman definitely wasn’t my mentally-unstable Lex Luthor I just happened to stumble upon. Besides, she would’ve had to call me a bitch to make this true. As that cruel insult is usually reserved for the females of the world, this hypothesis is full of all kinds of “DOES NOT COMPUTE.” Although maybe, just maybe, she totally meant to call me a bitch therefore not only insulting my character but also calling into question my gender alignment. Good sweet Jesus that’s brilliant. Maybe she was my Lex Luthor…

Hypothesis Number Two

This woman had a few screws loose. A few crayons short of a box. A few cards short of a deck. A few watts short… of a… light bulb…

She was nuts. Just fucking nuts.

Likelihood of Being Correct- 2 out of 5

Yelling swear words doesn’t automatically make you crazy. I know this because I am not currently restrained by a straight jacket.

Hypothesis Number Three

I, in my shocked and desperately-in-need-of-a-fainting-cushion state, simply didn’t see the woman who she was yelling at.

Likelihood of Being Correct- 0 out of 5

This hypothesis is preposterous. There was no one there. I’m not wrong.

Ok, there were a few people but they were seriously like 500 feet away.

Ok, so maybe they were closer but there were no women.

Ok, there could have been one woman but she wasn’t reacting.

…

You know what? The reason this hypothesis isn’t true is because if it was, the fourth hypothesis couldn’t possibly be true as well and after you read it, I think you’ll agree that the actuality of that would be super uncool.

Hypothesis Number Four

Ladies and gentlemen, batten down the hatches of your mind because it’s about to be blown. The woman- stick with me now- was verbally abusing- are you ready for this?- a GHOST. That’s right. This lady was like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Only not annoyingly semi-squinty in an “I am SO mystified by what is happening right now.” way all the time. And she probably never tried to become a musician. So like Jennifer Love Hewitt only better.

But back to the cool part- a GHOST. She was screaming at a rogue phantom that apparently had been following her around like the Pig Pen-like haze that follows Snoop Dogg and this woman was fed up. Who knows what she did to deserve the haunting but come on ghost! Leave her the fuck alone!

Likelihood of Being Correct- 26 out of 5

This is it. It makes undeniable sense and it’s totally awesome. If you think otherwise then I hope you are soon haunted by a spirit that won’t leave you the fuck alone no matter how many expletives and arm flails you throw at it.

So number four wins but regardless of whether or not she was actually yelling at a ghost-

which she totally was

-the whole thing ramped down pretty quickly after a few more seconds of screaming. The woman stopped shouting curse words, dialed down her arm flails and started walking in the opposite direction of her mystery transgressor. I, pleased with what I had just witnessed, returned my iPod to eardrum-exploding levels and started off on my walk, mentally adding the instance to my “People That Are Totally Awesome And I’m Not Even Joking” list.

People That Are Totally Awesome And I’m Not Even Joking

1. Possibly insane and arm-flailing woman yelling at a ghost.