*MINOR SPOILER WARNING* (But seriously, if you're watching a ninja movie for the story your priorities are severely out of order)
1. The human body is basically a giant balloon of blood.
Take a second and erase any and all anatomical knowledge you've stored away in your brain. Done? Good because it was all wrong. Gall bladder? What's that?. Lungs? Huh? Instead of all those fictitious internal organs doctors and teachers have been cramming down your throat for years, the reality is actually much, much simpler. Your body consists of three things- skin, bones and blood. Gallons upon gallons of blood.
2. Ninjas will always hear you coming... unless you're flying an apache helicopter or driving a humvee.
Ninjas are quiet. Not even a church mouse can rival the quietness of a ninja and those things are stereotypically hush. Ninjas know exactly how to move and tiptoe for the sole purpose of masking any chance you have of hearing them approach. Because of this ability, don't even think you're going to be able to sneak up on a ninja. You'll think they don't know you're coming. You'll know they don't know you're coming. But then SLICE! You're one head short of a body and the blood splashed on the wall reads "LOL O RLY?"
But fear not! There's hope! You know that spare apache helicopter or humvee tucked away in your garage you've been just dying to use? Well dust that somebitch off because you've got some ninjas to hunt. If the final scene of "Ninja Assassin" is accurate (and really, why the hell wouldn't it be?) a guaranteed method of getting the jump on your shadowy foes is to storm their mountain-top refuge with loud and totally rad military vehicles. The rest of the world? They'll hear you coming the second your turn the key. But the ninjas? Oh man are those stealthy bastards in for a surprise.
3. Like the bigger fish, there will always be a better ninja.
You've been sharpening your katana nonstop and you totally can pull off a front flip. You think you're the greatest ninja of all time. Well, I hate to burst your dark, shadow-dwelling bubble, but you're not even close to the greatest ninja of all time. Right now, somewhere in this world, there is another ninja who has two razor-sharp katanas and can flip at least seven times before he slices and dices his target. No matter how cool you think you are, you're really just one shuriken away from joining the legions of just-not-quite-good-enough ninjas. There is always a better ninja.
Unless you're this dude.
If that is you, congratulations. You are the most bad ass mother fucking ninja OF ALL TIME.
4. The awesomeness of your ninja skills are directly proportional to how old you are.
To be fair, "Ninja Assassin" didn't really teach me this nugget. Just look at Master Splinter and Yoda. They're both old but they can kick some serious anthropomorphic animal/Sith ass. Well, Ozunu, the old-timin' and corporeal punishment-dealin' geezer of a ninja, just helps prove what Splinter and Yoda have been preaching all these years. With his mad ninja skills, Ozunu puts up a damn good fight against pretty much anyone who opposes him. His "Super Stomach Poke of Ninja Doom" (or the "SSPND" as they call it around the dojo) will make you think twice before vocalize the "aren't you just a little bit clichéd, Ozunu?" thoughts that are running through your head. Age is just a number. Unless you're a ninja. Then people are all like "You're how old? Sheeeeeeeit..."
Unless you're this dude again.
Unless you're this dude again.
Then you just make age your bitch and shuriken it in the face.
5. God DAMN are ninjas bad ass.
See points 1-4.
So, young ones, now I have passed along to you my most cherished knowledge of ninjas. Use it wisely. But I ask, what knowledge of the ninja do you have to pass along to me?
