Shred Doc #4: Chocolate Crusade

We set out in search of Valentine's chocolate but found much more. We found ourselves.

Random thoughts on random thoughts

There are times when I just feel too lazy to write anything focused. In those times of mental lethargy, well, I usually just don't write at all. But tonight I'm just going to go about my business and when I think of something I want to stupidly rant intelligently comment on, I'm going to grab that thought by the jewels and write the hell out of it.

And... go.

1) Whoever said "the pen is mightier than the sword" obviously never encountered William Wallace. Good luck writing your way out of that one. Especially if you're English and a complete douche.

He will carve your ass to shreds before you even think about reaching for your Bic.

Random thoughts 2-6 after the break.

Meet A.M.I.

I don't want to give too much away (the plot is thick in this one) but trust me when I tell you that watching this video will change your life. Have I ever lied before? Well, I have, but not to you! Well, it depends on who's reading this I guess.

Regardless, it's time for you all to meet A.M.I.. Who is A.M.I. you ask? Click away and find out. Also, scope some outtakes after the break! (A heads up--- if you're sensitive to semi-foul to full-on-foul language, well, you've obviously never heard me speak candidly before. Ever.)



Don't forget the outtakes!

Pop rulez!!!!!!!!!

For the most part, my musical taste is fairly narrow. Metallica? The greatest band of all time. Back in the "Ride the Lightning/Master of Puppets/...And Justice For All" days, no one could touch them. Not even close. In Flames? The best band on the face of the planet at this time. They never let me down. Brilliant.

...

A Thalia song just came on the Pandora station I'm currently listening to. I tried to understand just a tiny bit of it but failed miserably. I clicked "next." I like music in American, the language of the free, thank you very much.

Anyway, I like metal. A lot. I've loved it for many moons and let's face it, what's more metal than a tall-ass, orangutan-armed, skinny kid from southwest Minnesota? Barely anything because, dude, I wear Iron Maiden shirts. I am so totally not a poser.

But no matter how many bone-boiling and blood-crushing masterpieces of metalli-tude I hear, there's still one thing that makes every fiber of my being coo and purr like some bizarre, science-fiction hybrid of a baby and a cat (I call it a kitten).

Pop music.

Shred Doc #3: Randoom the Destroyer

Ah the classic "mea culpa" post. My recent neglect of The Shred was ridiculous. A missed post here and there, fine. But weeks of nothing? There's really no excuse for that. Especially since I gave my word that I'd update regularly. Apologies all around, Shredders. From now on, I will do my best, my fucking best, to keep The Shred going with writing, videos and maybe *gasp* even a podcast. To anyone that has checked The Shred over the past few weeks and has found nothing but crickets and inches of virtual dust, I am sorry.

So let's rev it up again, huh? Take a gander at the third Shred Doc dubbed Randoom the Destroyer. A bunch of random clips have accumulating over the past month and I stitched them all together in clip show extravaganza. Enjoy!

And yes, Randoom the Destroyer is the greatest title in the history of titles and maybe even fictitious Vikings.

Shred Doc #2: McQuest

One man's journey for delicious and totally nutritious (they're all lying to you!) food.

The next step, a new chapter and other over-dramatic and clichéd titles

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But I'm going to find out.

An open farewell to 2009

Dear 2009,

First of all, stop calling. Seriously. It's not funny or cute. It's bordering on creepy. Especially when you leave those voicemails that are just three minutes of your heavy breathing. And those texts? Look, I don't want to show everyone this but I feel it necessary to get the point across.

You see? That's just embarrassing. And I can't believe you entered your name as "2009 In Da Hizzouse!" It's the new sonofabitchin' decade, 2009. Get with it. Also, you're a total bro. Dial it down a bit.

[Full letter after the jump]

New demo song: False Midas

Here's a rough demo of a little something I whipped up over Christmas.  Enjoy!


PS- The first few seconds are a little quiet.

Machine gun haiku action

I'm feeling deep. Deep like a stereotypical lotus flower painting. Deep like the combination of berets and bongos. Deep like the kind of deep you feel when you stare at Autumn leaves for seven hours, pondering just exactly what life is all about when you finally realize "why the hell am I staring at leaves when I could be rocking out?" because clearly, and maybe the Autumn leaves actually sparked this revelation in the first place, rocking out is what life is all about.


Phew.

Anyway, for the next undetermined amount of time, I'm going to write a haiku about whatever pops into my head. For those not in the know, a haiku is a poem with 17 total syllables- five in the first line, seven in the second and five in the third. So, without further adieu...

It's haiku time, punks.

Shred Doc #1: Snow Is Cool

OH. EM. GEE. The Shred's first video post! , tons and tons of snow was dumped on my little hometown over Christmas and my sister and I took the opportunity to make much merry. I love making videos so stay tuned for more!





Also, now that the holidays are winding down, The Shred will resume its regularly 
scheduled posts. Some cool stuff is on the way!


PS- Youtube compression sucks.

The soundtrack to a head bangin' Christmas

Every Christmas, my siblings and I make Christmas cards for each member of my family. It’s a wonderful, heartwarming and adorable traditional. There’s only one problem. Each year, one of us inevitably drops the ball. Three of us will come to the table on Christmas Eve with our hard work in hand and the black sheep of the evening will either A) come empty handed or B) have a handful of cloned evergreen cutouts with “Merry Christmas” hastily scribbled on them with Sharpie. There’s no punishment except, you know, the horrible guilt that haunts them for not loving their family.

Well, after arriving home a couple days before Christmas 2005, my brother Christian and I realized that we’d both probably scrub out and not make cards cards just couldn’t express the amount of Christmas joy we possessed in our hearts. So, in a moment of divine/probably-a-little-satanic intervention, my brother and I composed a fitting tribute to the season. We chose one of our favorite Christmas songs, O Come O Come Emmanuel, and injected it with some country twang.

Shyeah! As if!

And lo, the angel of metal came before Christian and I, and the glory of metal shone ‘round us and we were not afraid at all because this song was going to kick ass. And the angel said unto us, “Wait, if you’re parodying the Bible verse, aren’t you two supposed to be afraid of my splendor?” And we answered, “We are not afraid. Now get the hell out of our house before we call the cops.” The angel responded, “Whoa, we’re all cool here. Everything is cool. Could I maybe just like, I don’t know, hang out for a little bit? I don’t think the bus back to heaven comes for another 45 minutes.” Christian and I, being benevolent men, allowed this.

Anyway, we put our metal brains together and created a piece of Christmas cheer that has the power to make even the stiffest of necks bang. It’s starts off slowly, following the normal melody for the most part, but just wait until the second half kicks in. Hello over-indulgent soloing and the single most awesome tapping section ever recorded (it’s at 1:55 and seriously, it’s mind-bogglingly ridiculous).

So, my Shredders, I give you…

Emmaneu-Metal


It’s like Trans-Siberian Orchestra only less cheesy and cheesier at the same time. 
Download Emmaneu-Metal and officially make Christmas bad ass.

Crack your glow sticks

Introducing... 

Sun and Shade by DJ ALX

I made this hot smash hit using Garageband samples very complicated and intricate, uh, techno-making software. It's pretty much the greatest techno/rave/trance/dance/club/house/electronica/I-have-no-idea-what-the-difference-is-between-those-genres song in the history of sound.

Download Sun and Shade to play at your next rave thus making your rave uber and incredibly ravetastic.

Keep it glowin'.

DJ ALX

Top five video game memories of the holidays

Hi. My name is Alex.

And I'm a huge nerd.

You see, my life history is comprised of three main things-

1. Music
2. The Tyler Pool
3. Video Games

Quite simply, I know an alarming amount of random video game facts. Did you know that the company Ultra Games was really just a ghost title set up by Konami so they could push more than the allotted amount of NES games for one publisher? Pretty sure you didn't. Do you know the names of all 64 mavericks in the Mega Man X series? Nope. The amount of random video game knowledge I possess is both impressive and slightly embarrassing but I'm not ashamed that video games have played a big role in my life. I can remember tons and tons of great memories involving video games so, in honor of the holiday season, I'm counting down my top five video game memories that occurred around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Saddle up, wrap some masking tape around the nose piece of your glasses and prepare for some serious nerd nostalgia.

Topics unfit for Christmas songs

Zombies

Actually, that would be pretty kick ass.

Let's see what other ideas I can conjure up after the jump.

Awesome People: The toad woman of Caribou

Self-importance is a wonderful thing. Ever since we were kids, we’ve been inundated with feel-good mantras like “Everyone is special,” “We’re all winners” and the ever popular “Stop struggling, Alex. Even though your brother is clearly the one who grabbed you and put a knife to your throat.”

Ahem.

But of course there are problems with all this praise. Tons of articles debate the effect constant praise and positive reinforcement has on children. Declined interest, lowered ambition to share ideas with others, dependent thought habits— the list goes on and on. Psychologists dish out id, ego and superego attacks and parents who always know what’s best for their children fire back with, well, just that. It’s a vicious argument and one that’s actually pretty interesting to investigate whether you have kids of your own or not.

But no matter how staunchly you believe that too much praise can hurt or enhance a child’s psychological wellbeing, there will always be people in this world who immediately make you question your stance. These individuals fall into two categories—

1.    The person in question desperately needed more hugs and “good jobs” when they were a child, the lack of which has transformed them into a bitter, crotchety shell of a human being.

Or-

2.    The person in question was flooded with hugs and praise and star dust and ponies and nougat and rainbows and delicious caramels and Care Bear souls when they were a child, the overabundance of which has transformed them into a creature that is more likely to see an image of Jesus Christ when they look in a mirror than their actual self.

This is a tale of the latter.

The five things I learned from "Ninja Assassin"

The elitists of the cinema world might scoff at "Ninja Assassin." "Ninjas?" they'd snarl while adjusting their monocles, "What could a film about ninjas possibly contribute to the viewer?" Well, after watching various bladed weapons eviscerate numerous limbs, I have discovered that contrary to popular belief, "Ninja Assassin" possesses some shiny gems of wisdom that will leave you wondering, "Lawrence of who?"

An equation for a good evening [update]

The full (and very scientific) equation after the jump.

        

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Awesome People: The woman who cried "Fuck"

Sometimes, I love people. Like, really, really love them. There are so many different things a person can do to make my day it almost borders on ridiculous. Yes, there are the occasional genuine acts of kindness that make my heart grow three sizes and sure, the intact innocence of a child who has yet to be unapologetically beaten down by the world can make me all bubbly. But those saccharine examples are as boring. It’s when the more random and unique side of society rears its ugly head that one must take that moment of lemon-ness and squeeze the shit out of it, transforming what could’ve been an uncomfortable occurrence into delicious human lemonade. The real-life examples you'll find in this series serve as undeniable evidence as to why some folks in the world are simply Awesome People.
 
I sit at a desk all day. Totally unique, I know. However, my legs are approximately the length of an adult anaconda making the experience of having them sardine-canned for hours on end quite uncomfortable. Because of this, I usually take the opportunity of my lunch break to free my lower limbs from their prison, strolling through downtown Minneapolis. Usually these are benign experiences. But every so often, the gods of awesome people shine their blessings upon me and deliver unto this world a break from the norm.

Enter impossibly and hilariously angry woman.

Welcome to "The Shred"

  
Well hello there, stranger. It seems you’ve stumbled across my little experiment. This is a place where the sarcasm, humor and expletives flow like mead at a Viking feast. A place where life is torn into bits much like a powerful Viking jaw tears at a large, stereotypical leg of meat.

That’s correct, my friend. You’ve entered “The Shred.”

Now, all this talk of mead, meat and Vikings is superb, but what exactly is “The Shred?” I’m glad you asked.

The name "The Shred" is born from, what else, metal. Shred guitar is fast, moves around a lot and is often completely,  absolutely, ridiculous. If you’re looking for the hottest latch hooking trends or the latest designs in the whittling world, well, you clearly have no idea how to correctly type keywords into a search engine. No, within these hallowed e-walls you’ll find one thing— entertainment. This comes in three different flavors posts.

Music- Thoughts, reviews, criticisms and general hilarity pertaining to anything regarding the wonderful world or aural pleasures. 

Media/Technology- Commentary on the at-times ridiculousness of movies, TV, video games and technology.

Personal- Ideas, experiences and viewpoints plucked straight from the crazy skull I've been stuck with for the past couple of decades. 

That's a quick rundown of the content that will be featured on "The Shred." When will this content be delivered you ask? What a wonderful question. I am committing myself to providing you with three major posts a week. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday you can count on hopping on "The Shred." On the off days of the week, Tuesday and Thursday, there will be short posts- something crazy I came across, a short tale of woe/elation, a random thought- who knows. Consider those your grab bag days. 

That's what "The Shred" is about in a nutshell. As time goes on, "The Shred" will change, morph, transform, look snazzier and just get better as more features and series are added. Exciting times, my friends. I hope you check back often, I hope you leave some comments and I hope you enjoy.

ALX
 
PS- I'm going to call you all "Shredders." Yeah... awesome. 

PPS- Yes, that welcome mat is totally bad ass.